The New Small Talk

The form of address that I receive from teenagers here is first, and foremost, ma'am. I am still not used to it outside of the grocery check-out line (in which existed the sole adherents of this convention in California), so it continues to feel like a little poke to the vanity nerve that doesn't want to be constantly reminded that I'm old enough to be a ma'am. So now, one of the young men in my BJJ class, a junior (I believe) in high school, has taken to calling me Miss I-Pei and, of course, ma'am. This wasn't the case when I first began class, but I think I must have raised the matron flag one too many times in class (i.e., joking about wanting a separate women's age category in the tournaments, etc.) so this is the consequence. On the one hand it just sounds so cute to be called Miss I-Pei by this strapping young Adonis, but on the other hand, I feel like his nursery school teacher. And how in the heck can I become a hard-assed Brazilian hardwood BJJ fighter when my WWF moniker is Miss I-Pei?

You can imagine me in class as I'm pouring sweat, getting hair ripped out of a bedraggled ponytail, and straining as much muscle as I can muster in serious combat against a male student (who is trying very hard not to squash me by accident), when I hear cheering on the sideline in the form of, "Go Miss I-Pei!" That just lacks something in the bloodlust infusion department.

After class today, our polite Mr. Ma'am said, "How is it to be the only woman in class, throwing the guys around? It's like, you're our pimp."

I had to check if I heard this correctly.

"Did you just call me a pimp?!!"

"Yes...(seeing my expression)...maybe it means something different now?"

"I hope so. What does it mean now? Watch where you put your foot..."

He looked at his fellow student for some assistance and they hemmed and hmmmed and came up with, "Pimp means, like, being a player."

"PLAYER?" This was, as far as I was concerned, going from bad to worse. "And what does player mean nowdays?"

"Like, an athlete. Popular. Well, you have to be an athlete to be a player. Almost always." His fellow student shook his head in disagreement and muttered, "No you don't. A pimp is like someone who has prostitutes who work for him and he collects all the money."

"Er, yes, that's the definition of pimp that I know about. That's not how you're using the word, though," I prodded.

Mr. Ma'am shook his head, "No, you call someone a pimp if they're popular with the opposite sex."

My expression remained scrunched in doubt, and he added, with the sincerest puppy dog expression you ever did witness, "Being called pimp is a good thing, really."

"If you say so," I grunted grudgingly.

All these Texanisms were starting to confuse me. Maybe that's why when I left the studio I called out, "Goodnight, y'all!"