My thighs are in agony today from a particularly rigorous Brazilian Jiu Jitsu workout on Saturday morning. Tournament day is April 5, and I'm in the throes of some last ditch training in hopes of not embarrassing myself, my family, and all my descendants by overconsuming the mat. If I ate 500 percent of my equivalent surface area of mat, how many calories would that be? I'd just settle for not being submitted in 15 seconds, fighting the entire 5 minute match, and losing by points and not by submission. Preferably with a score greater than zero. Does this make me a glutton for punishment?
My children, with their wise mommy-preservation instincts, have already counseled me, "Remember, Mommy, if someone is choking you, TAP OUT!"
Honestly, I could see myself being stubborn and resisting the tap because at my beginner's level, the choke holds tend to be slow and incremental constrictions, leaving a wisp of hope at the receiving end of the stranglehold. Against the opponents I can currently spar, the uncontested pain of a joint lock on my arm is more likely to induce me to tap out rapidly. More experienced practitioners could no doubt apply a choke hold in such a fashion that it feels like a joint lock--of my neck [insert frantic hand tapping here].
If I do happen to win the first match, it would be a fluke and expend every ounce of my stamina. Then I'd really be in trouble because I'd have to fight a second match with an unknown opponent. My competitive side secretly wishes that would happen, but Self Preservation has the upper hand and is trouncing Competition with a rear naked choke. The trouble ensues when Competition refuses to acknowledge defeat.
Self Preservation: I have you now, mwah-hah-hah!
Competition: Never! I will never submit! Gaack!
Self Preservation: Oh really? Perhaps if you were any better at this you wouldn't have found yourself in this position, giving up your back like that, letting me sink my hooks in...
Competition: Totally lucky passing of the guard on your part. I can still get out- aaaakkkpth!
Self Preservation: Resistance is futile. You'd best tap out while you can.
Competition: Tap out? Hah! I can barely feel your scrawny instincts around my victorious spirit(gurgle). I...can...still...
Self Preservation: Tap out or pass out, buddy.
Competition: Urrck! If I could just move my winner's edge a little to the left...zzzzzzzz.
Self Preservation: Sigh. Live and learn and fight another day. Sweet dreams of future victory be with you.
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